Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
