I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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