i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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