dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize