i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
its liver damage thursday
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
