i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
