Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
time to smoke my breakfast
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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