My underwear smells like fireworks.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
