I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize