My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
