you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
