i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
