I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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