The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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