i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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