And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
