he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
