i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Randomize
