im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
