either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
