My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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