She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
