haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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