??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
