I just threw up on my dentist
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
