I've blown a few things in my day
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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