I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
