her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
