just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
