Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
