Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
