I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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