Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
