i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
