You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
