Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
a search helicopter?!
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
