All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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