the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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