That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
