hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
