Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
