I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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