I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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