My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It's official drugs can't kill me
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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