my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
