omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
