i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
