I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
