Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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