I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
