between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
