I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
