Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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