All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
