I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
