i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
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