i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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