you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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