then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
