At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
