i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
