I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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